Habit, Not Hack: Managing Expectations Before They Manage You
Clarity is kindness, even when it’s awkward.
When Eloise joined her PhD program, she was excited. She respected her advisor, the lab was productive, and the project sounded fascinating.
But from the very beginning, something felt… vague.
Her advisor was supportive but hands-off.
“Take ownership,” they said.
“I trust your independence,” they added.
Eloise took it as a compliment at first.
Her first major task was to draft a fellowship proposal.
She spent months reading papers, designing experiments, and obsessing over every sentence. She barely asked for feedback, thinking she was supposed to figure it out on her own.
When she finally submitted a polished draft, her advisor read it and said:
“This isn’t quite what I had in mind.”
Eloise’s stomach dropped.
“We’ll need to restructure the aims. Some of these experiments aren’t feasible. We should have started with a different angle.”
Months of work, wrong direction.
What Eloise didn’t know was that her advisor had assumed she'd check in early with rough drafts. That’s how other students in the lab worked. They would share rough outlines after a week or two, get early feedback, and then refine.
But Eloise thought “independence” meant she shouldn’t bother her advisor until she had something impressive to show.
Neither of them ever clarified that expectation.
Both had made silent assumptions.
Eloise was no different from me or from most of us starting out. When I first joined the lab, I believed my job was to quietly figure things out on my own.
I walked into my advisor’s office for the first time expecting something. Approval, maybe. A roadmap. A vision board for my research life. Instead, I got a polite smile, a clipboard, and a slightly rushed, “Let me know if you need anything else.”
And just like that, I was adrift.
I remember leaving and sitting in the hallway thinking, Wait, what just happened? Isn’t this supposed to be my person? My guide? My Yoda?
It took me two semesters, a handful of breakdowns, and one accidental overshare in a grad student group chat to learn this: in grad school, most conflict or confusion with advisors isn’t personal, it’s a mismatch of expectations. And the worst part? Neither party usually knows the mismatch exists until it causes friction.
The Habit: Managing Expectations Early and Often
What saved me and deepened my relationship with my mentor wasn’t a productivity tool or a perfectly worded email. It was a new habit: managing expectations proactively.
Before every major meeting, email, or milestone, I started asking:
What do I think is going to happen here?
What might my advisor expect of me?
Have we actually talked about that or am I guessing?
This habit became my compass. And when I didn’t know what to expect, I got braver at asking. Questions like:
“What does success look like for this phase?”
“How hands-on do you like to be with writing drafts?”
“Would you prefer I bring a rough version, or just ideas?”
“How often do you want updates and how detailed?”
Why This Works (and Why It’s Hard)
It feels awkward at first. Asking a mentor to clarify how they work can feel like you’re questioning their intentions or authority. But really, you’re inviting alignment. You’re saying: I want this relationship to work. I want to show up in the way that’s most helpful to you, and sustainable for me.
Most advisors appreciate that more than you think.
This habit doesn’t just reduce stress, it builds respect. Your mentor starts to see you not just as a student, but as a collaborator in your own development. And you stop wasting energy decoding vague silences or replaying passive-aggressive comments in your head.
What It Taught Me
Managing expectations taught me that mentoring isn’t magic. It’s a relationship, not a role. And like any relationship, it thrives on communication, not assumptions.
Now when newer grad students ask me what makes a “good advisor,” I always flip the question:
How are you making it easier for your advisor to be good at advising you?
Because that’s the real shift, from being passive to active in your own mentorship journey.
Your Turn: A Habit to Try This Week
Before your next meeting with a mentor, professor, or collaborator, try this:
Write down what you’re expecting from that interaction.
Write what you think they might be expecting.
At the start of the meeting, ask:
“Just to make sure we’re aligned, what’s most useful for us to cover today?”
It’s not a hack. It’s a habit.
And it might just change everything.
