Habit, Not Hack: Managing Expectations Before They Manage You (PI Edition)
Clarity is kindness - even more so when you’re the one in charge.
A new student walked into my office, eyes wide with anticipation. I gave a warm smile, handed over the onboarding folder, and said something like, “Welcome aboard! Let me know if you have any questions.”
I thought I was being approachable. Encouraging, even. But weeks later, I found out they left that meeting confused, a little deflated, and unsure where they stood.
I didn’t mean to be vague. But here’s what I’ve learned: silence isn’t neutrality - it’s a vacuum. And in graduate advising, vacuums tend to fill with anxiety.
Most advisor-student tension doesn’t come from a lack of care. It comes from mismatched assumptions. And the tricky part? You often don’t know a mismatch is there until it’s already strained the relationship.
The Habit: Making Expectations Explicit - Early and Often
What changed my mentoring relationships wasn’t a lab management app or another policies document. It was a simple shift: I stopped assuming my students knew how I operated. And I started proactively surfacing expectations from both sides.
Now, I ask questions like:
“What do you need from me to get started?”
“How do you like to receive feedback - written comments or live discussion?”
“What’s your working style when you’re drafting or analyzing data?”
“What would make this milestone feel successful for you?”
I also share how I work:
“I tend to give short feedback unless you ask for detail.”
“I like updates every two weeks. Even if it’s ‘no progress yet.’”
“You can bring rough ideas; you don’t have to impress me.’”
Why This Works (and Why It’s Hard)
It feels awkward. You might worry you’re micromanaging or overexplaining. But really, you’re making the invisible visible. You're not just teaching research; you’re modeling how to work together well.
This habit sets the tone for mutual respect. It prevents the cycle of disappointment and guilt that starts when expectations were never clearly set. And it helps your students feel safe enough to ask questions early before they spiral.
What It Taught Me
Good advising isn’t intuitive, it’s iterative. And the best mentorship isn’t about reacting to problems; it’s about designing relationships that prevent them.
When I stopped assuming and started aligning, my students grew faster, and so did I. Because mentoring isn’t just about guiding others. It’s about staying open, curious, and responsive yourself.
Your Turn: A Habit to Try This Week
Before your next one-on-one, try this:
Think about what you assume your student expects from you.
Ask them to do the same before the meeting (or do it together).
At the start of the meeting, ask:
“Before we dive in, can we take a minute to align on what each of us is hoping to get out of this meeting?”
It’s not about hacks.
It’s about habits.
And this one builds trust from day one.
